Be A Tough Guy

By Mr. Mafioso

Along with the Hybrid Spider Monkey and the short-tailed chinchilla, there’s another endangered species nearing extinction: The Tough Guy. At some point in my lifetime, men abandoned their iron fists for Iron Chef. Everyone became sensitive and in touch with their feelings. Nowadays men call their lawyers to settle disputes in the court room -- when I was growing up you called Joey, Tommy and Vinny to settle it in the parking lot. Our original American Idol wasn’t Clay Aiken -- it was John Wayne. We didn’t drink Red Bull -- we drank Red Label. It pains me to watch men continue on this downward spiral toward softness. So, seeing as though everyone forgot what it takes to be a tough guy, I decided to share a few tips to help mankind regain some of that old bravado.

Talk the talk

To be tough guy, you have to talk tough. Don’t curse, don’t scream, just look someone right in the eye and make sure there’s conviction behind your voice. The bum on 5th Avenue can scream about socialism and the apocalypse as much as he wants, but that recklessness won’t fly with a tough guy. Michael Corleone was the king of tough talk. His cool demeanor yet fiery stare was the ultimate vocal combination. So, when I run into some stunad who insists on breaking my balls, I never respond by yelling. I simply look in his eyes and calmly say: “I would appreciate it if you met me outside to further resolve this matter.” Only I don’t use that exact phrasing.

Take the pain, and don’t complain

Tough guys play hurt, take the pain and know that complaining is only for cafones who crave attention. The respect that comes from enduring pain is a lot better than the sympathy you get from moaning about it. President Roosevelt gave a speech despite the fact that he had just been shot in the chest. Now you have guys taking up hospital beds with a bad case of hangnail. I’m not saying you have to endure as much as Teddy, but remember that complaining is a sign of weakness, and it’s definitely not a sign that you can be a tough guy.

Stand up for your ideals

There’s a method that must accompany the madness of every tough guy. He has principles and ideals that he won’t compromise. He’s not just out there for himself, but something bigger. Whether it is trust, respect or honesty, a tough guy has values that he’ll never tolerate being tarnished. Defending his beliefs is always justified. And if he doesn’t act in their defense, he knows he’s a justifiable coward. In my business, we value loyalty over anything else. If someone breaks that loyalty, we break their legs. And Tommy, if you’re out there, you can’t hide forever.

Don’t fear fear

There’s a common myth that tough guys don’t fear anything. Trust me -- we do. The trick, however, is to hide that fear. Never wear your emotions on your sleeve. That’s a stain the dry cleaner can’t get out. The boss once asked me to meet him by the old loading docks and, sure, I thought I might be the victim of the recent “company downsizing,” but I knew the importance of acting unfazed. Once someone smells your fear, they’ll see you as weak and vulnerable, something you have to learn if you want to be a tough guy. The boss was impressed with my demeanor, and I got bumped up to capo.

flex that authoritative muscle

If my tips still leave you wondering how to be a tough guy, take a note from The Don himself. As Johnny Fontane cried to Vito Corleone: “Godfather, I don’t know what to do!” The Don didn’t respond with: “Have you tried psychoanalysis?” or “I know this great anti-depressant.” The Don simply said: “You can act like a man!” That is my overall advice to those who find themselves falling into the pit of softness. I’m not saying we’re all made out to be a tough guy, and I’m not saying my tips are the only ones to follow. However, I do know it’s never too late to regain your manhood. So throw down your chai lattes and stand up for yourself. Stand up for your principles and don’t let fear bog you down. Talk the talk, walk the walk and god dammit, act like a man!